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birthday ★

Monday, June 3, 2024 | June 03, 2024

What day is it today?

Why am I feeling anger?

Why am I not feeling happy?

What day is it today?

Why is my phone blasted with messages?

Why is everyone suddenly remember me?

I thought people only remember during funeral

I thought people only forget if they care

I thought making memories are just an air

The feeling of joy was just mere seconds

The feeling of joy was already faded

Reality hit me that it made me sullen

What day is it today?

Why not everyone wishing me today?

Why do I care if no wishes today?

They only remember me if I pass away

Labels: Poem

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Past

last strain of hope ★

Wednesday, May 3, 2023 | May 03, 2023

This is not fair

I should be the one to care

They want me to be there

But what about me here?

I want to kill so bad

I want to end this feeling

I can't stop feeling this way

Frustrated, Hatred, Madness

I feel like I'm about to go spiral

I feel guilty

I know I should be strong

I know I need to let go

But I feel tired

Tired of being useless

Tired of being alive

Tired of being hopeful

No one will be here

No one will listen to me

No one will notice my existence

It must be nice to feel pain

It must be nice to be heartless

It must be nice to kill

Madness will be the end of me

I could do anything to cut people of me

Even if it is a crime

Thursday, August 4, 2022 | August 04, 2022

i don't know

i don't want to feel things

i hate everything

no one is there with me

no one wants to be with me

no one really cares about me

who even cares about my feelings

i just want to die

please let me kill myself

i just don't want to feel these fucking pain

Thursday, July 29, 2021 | July 29, 2021

20 years ago

A child was born

With innocence and curiosity

Before knowing the truth

She was joyful child

She expressed herself so much

She was being shut down

She wanted to know everything

She wanted to understand

She wanted to love life

Before knowing the truth

She felt miserable

She felt useless

She felt like a burden

A burden of wasting other's time

A burden of accomplish success

A burden no one will understand

She tried to help others

She listened to them

She also treated them

And she lost herself instead

She felt like a puppet

Being told to do everything

Being manipulated of herself

However, she had no burden

She felt freedom again

As she lost herself into void

It's too late

Monday, June 14, 2021 | June 14, 2021

It was a normal day

I was doing my usual work

I was watching my fav YT videos

I was fine

All of sudden

I feel like something heavy in me

I feel like I want to cry

I feel like I'm going crazy

Why do I feel I want to cry?

There's nothing to cry about

It's just a normal stress, right?

Why do I always tell people to cry,

when I told myself not to cry?

Why do I tell people they can ask me for help,

if I can't even help myself?

I don't know if I can ask for help anymore

I don't know if they can help me anyway

I don't know if I can actually survive this

My mind is telling me not to cry

My heart is aching to cry

I just don't know what else to do

Maybe one day someone will reach me

Maybe one day someone will love me

Maybe one day someone will help me

Maybe one day it's too late

I'm sorry for everything.

Sunday, May 30, 2021 | May 30, 2021

Why no one wants to approach me?

Why is everyone whispering to themselves?

Why isn't he considering my feelings?

Anger, exhausted, sorrow...

All these feelings are so overwhelmed

Why can't I spill them out when I need to?

Why do I have to show my emotions if they don't care?

Where is everyone going?

Is everyone leaving me?

Please tell me

Am I the worst person you ever met?

S-stop! Please! Just stop!

It's hurting me!

If you hate me so much, why don't you just do it in one shot?

Stop abusing me!

I know I'm the worst

I know I shouldn't exist in this world

I know you just hate me for being better than you

I know you've been telling everyone that I ruin your life too

Put me in the dark

I promise that I'll starve myself

Just for you to be happy

Saturday, October 17, 2020 | October 17, 2020

Silence with gush of winds
No sight of people

No sight of creatures

Is this another dream?

Is this another nightmare?

Is this even reality?

You're too late my friend

I hate you my friend

Or should I say my prey?

Sunday, July 12, 2020 | July 12, 2020

people stared at my body

from top to bottom

whisper among each other

are they talking about me?

i looked at the shop's glass

i saw my reflection

i thought i was fine

but is it really obvious?

it reminds me of my past

it still hurts me

i remember their name

i don't think they apologized sincerely

i don't trust my guts

i hate how i look

i tried to be different

now my family keeps pointing it out too

i am very off guard of how they treated me

"don't think too much about it"

"why do you care so much about it?"

BECAUSE I WANT TO SURVIVE AND BE LOVED TOO

Monday, June 29, 2020 | June 29, 2020

whenever there's an option opens up
i always try to shake it off
as if i'm not worth to take the chance

i keep on doubting myself
i'm scared to speak up
i'm scared i'll say weird things

i used to be confident

i used to take the risks

i used to speak up my mind

...

but i fell down on my knees

i still remember people's word

that scarred me to life

i tried to forgive them

i tried not to bottle 'em up

i tried to be fine

but my heart is still aching

i tried to fit in

i tried to change

i tried to be comfortable

but it's never enough

i tried to help people

yet they took granted on me

i felt betrayed

i tried to be nice to someone

yet they're being a jerk

i know everything is in the past

but i can still feel the scars

i just wish we never met

Poem: unconscious memories ★

Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | April 01, 2020

hello?
is anybody there?
why is it so dark in here?
i can't see anything
what happened?
why do i feel so heavy?

am i alone?
that can't be
i was with my friends
shit.. my head hurts
wait.. i heard voices
but where are they?

hello
can you hear me?

this can't be another dream
no no..
i know it's the same nightmare
why are these memories back again?

these feelings...
i don't want to feel this again
i was happy and enjoyed my time with friends
why...

i thought this would stay in the past
the pain..
it still hurts after those years
why am i still keep them in bottle?
why can't i just spill it?
i thought this was over already

is that lil girl in the pic... me?
i looked cute but it hurts me still
she didn't know that everyone's hating on her existence
i'm sorry that i couldn't protect you

oh god
i'm not ready to spill everything
i'll gonna tear up
i'll gonna hurt myself again reminiscing these memories

Poem: bottle of tears ★

Monday, February 17, 2020 | February 17, 2020

I'm tired of crying

I just want this to end

I can't handle this myself

I want this pain to end

I can't help to keep everything inside

I'm overwhelmed

Is there anyone willing to hear me out?

Willing to accept my pain?

Willing to accept my weakness?

Every seconds

I always feel like to cry

With no reasons

But I smile

And it hurts so much

I really want to pour my feelings out

But is there anyone will wipe my tears?

Pat my back and tell me it's normal to cry?

I sacrificed my happiness

To watch my friends' happiness

Monday, December 16, 2019 | December 16, 2019

Am I not good enough?
Am I not talented enough?
Am I not perfect?

I thought we were friends
I thought we were mutual
I thought we were made for each other

Am I worthless?
Am I not what you think of?

I just want to feel appreciated
I just want to feel I'm worth your time
I just want to feel happy

I put up my phone
I started to type to you
But I stopped and erased it
I was afraid you were pissed of me

Every time I try to be friendly
No one welcome me warmly
I feel like an outsider
Or am I?

Here I am in my bed
Thinking about how to approach people
Without being hate
Without being isolated

I shouldn't be here
I shouldn't even exist
I should have take my life earlier

Am I too much to be your friend?
Am I too clingy to be your girlfriend?
Am I too arrogant to be your study partner?

I'm sorry
I really mean it

I couldn't do my work properly
I can't keep my head up
I'm afraid of losing people's faith

I'm not worth your time
I'm just a piece of garbage
I'm nothing

I just want to stop this lonely feeling

Sunday, November 10, 2019 | November 10, 2019

Silent night has come

All these nightmares are scaring me

All these monsters are trying to kill me

I really need help

I'm suffocating

I don't feel like to be alive

I don't deserve this

"Everything's gonna be fine"

"Don't say like that"

"Think about God"

Those words are starting to scare me lately

I rather keep these pain inside me

I rather suffer alone

Every thing that I see

I could imagine some ways to do it

The fan, the ceiling, the fork

Every. Single. Item.

Here I am

Staring blankly at the wall

I wish I could just hit my head until it bleeds

I've been fighting with these monsters for years

I'm getting weak

I lied to everyone that "I'm fine"

I literally told everyone that I'm on diet

But when I think about it

I'm actually starving myself to death

Death, suicide, pain, isolation

Those words have become norms to me

What if I really do it?

Will my so-called "friends" care about me?

I wish people would just hug me

And tell me to cry my heart out

Tell me that it's okay to be weak

And tell me that.. the battle war will end

Friday, November 1, 2019 | November 01, 2019

Dear heart,
Aren't you tired of falling in love?
It's been over and over again
None of them care about you
Please, snap out of it!
Things have changed over the years
You need to move on, dear
Everything is just a temporary
I'm sorry for putting you through this
I know it's hard to find
Someone that truly loves you
Someone that will care about you
It doesn't matter if he's not good-looking
I'm sure that someone will protect you

Dear heart,
Do you still have the scars from years ago?
I know you try to act nothing
But you still keep those feelings of memories
That haunts me every single day.
You always make me feel overwhelmed,
Anxious and desperate
Over something that I didn't think that it's possible for me to do it
I know you're tired of the pain
I'm also tired
Tired of the memories
I try to forget about it but you don't
And it frustrates me a lot
Yet I don't want to argue with you

Dear heart
I want to let you know
That this too shall pass
It maybe hard at first
Just cry about it now
You'll gonna feel better later
The older I get, more things you have to suffer
I'm sorry again for putting you into this
Life just wants to see how strong you'll handle this
You proved that to this day
So keep on pushing
Move onwards and never look back
My dear heart!

Poem: darkness in me ★

Saturday, September 28, 2019 | September 28, 2019

I was at the bottom rock

I couldn't keep my head up

I was devastated

I couldn't explain the pain in words

I tried to let my voice out

but it stuck within my throat

my heart wouldn't let me tell the truth

I felt lonely

It was so lonely that I couldn't bear my emotions

There're people who reached out their hands

But I pushed them away

I keep on asking myself

Why am I here?

Why am I still breathing?

Why didn't my parents just abort me?

I messed up

Even achievements that I got wouldn't help me feel better

Cause it's not for me

I did everything to be happy

To have that feeling of excitement

When I'm home

It all comes back again

I felt so lonely

That I shut everyone out

People worried about me

I don't want them to be

But this demon inside me

Is killing me inside

I told myself not to cry

I told myself everything will be alright

I told myself it's just the matter of time

I told myself I can overcome when it pass by

In the end

I'm laying in bed

Suicidal thoughts are taking over me

I let them happen

Everything will be fine. I'm here with you. - darkness -

Friday, September 20, 2019 | September 20, 2019

I love you

I truly do

It hurts me a lot

I couldn't bear the pain to myself

I want to talk with you

You were a good listener

I appreciated it a lot

But now...

It seems life doesn't let us to be together

I bottled up everything

I ignore everything and put on a mask

A mask that everyone will think it's 'me'

That 'me' always smiling

That 'me' always laughing

That 'me' always being cringy

No one knows behind that mask

What if that mask was fallen?

Will you still befriend with 'me'?

I know you won't
Cause you already hurt me indirectly
And I know you won't trust me again

If suicide attempt isn't a crime, I would have done sooner
People like you made me feel this way

If it's true you don't like me, why didn't you tell me in the first place?
I apologize for being an emotional dumbass
All I got was bluetick
I guess seek for forgiveness is not mandatory in this world

You said that I 'pretended' for having anxiety
So that means you treat me like a robot
With no emotions
Cause you thought robot being emotional is such a bizarre idea

You don't even know how I progressed
You don't even know what I've dealt with

You should be grateful of yourself
If you don't like me, tell your God
Aren't you more religious than me?
Then you shouldn't do like that to me indirectly

Yes, I'm offended.
You win.

Monday, September 16, 2019 | September 16, 2019

I'm such a jerk
I hate myself
Why the fuck did I do that?

I hurt you
I was selfish
I hurt you a lot
As if I almost killed you

I want a chance
If it's possible

I couldn't stop my tears from streaming on my face
I couldn't stop blaming myself
I couldn't stop thinking about you even it hurts so much

I wish I wasn't here
I wish everything will be normal
I hate myself for being a jerk

Please reply to me
I just want someone to listen to
But it hurts so much

I would die for you
I would sacrifice for you
I want you to be with me
I want to feel safe

You promised me
You swore to me
I guess expectations aren't real

I guess you won't love me again
And I don't think I'll have another chance
To restore everything what I've done

Poem: i'm perfectly fine ★

Sunday, September 1, 2019 | September 01, 2019

I'm perfectly fine
Look, do I look like I need help?
Nothing happens, really.

Look, I'm smiling and laughing with you guys
I can still talk to everyone
I'm enjoying my life to the fullest

Look, I'm perfectly fine
And for odd reasons
It suddenly hits me

The pain, the scars, the blood flowing out from my flesh
I'm alright, really

Why would say that I'm lying?
Oh.. my eyes just caught the dust
I'm not crying, really

I don't understand
Why are you being so caring towards me?
I told you already

Don't worry about me
I'm perfectly fine

Saturday, July 27, 2019 | July 27, 2019

Disclaimer: This poem is partly true, so don't worry about me. Also, sorry for the bad language :)

I never ask you about it

Why the fuck she's acting like she owns the world?

We aren't your friends

Don't come to us, loser

I guess I shouldn't be here
I'm scared to apologize
What if I do the same mistakes again
And then everything is just another cycle again

You're fat
You're ugly
You can't even do shits properly

I'm trying to act as if nothing happened
Don't ask me why

She's weak
She can't even win the competition
She shouldn't be the leader
What an attention seeker
She's just a trash

Girlllll you look so "pretty"
Can we have a "date"?
Don't worry I won't do anything to you

Everything is a lie
I hate how fucked up my life is

I can't do this anymore

Poem: laying in bed ★

Sunday, July 14, 2019 | July 14, 2019

If only I can turn back time
So that I won't be suffering as I am now
Missing you is our natural instinct
But is loving you a mistake?

I was laying in my bed to go to sleep
But I was staring at the ceiling
Thinking about if I made the right choice
But in reality I had no choice

I'm constantly feeling tired
I'm constantly telling myself that everything will be fine
But I'm afraid they will judge me in any kind

Lemme sleep peacefully
Without waking up in mid of the night

People always say listen to your doctor
Taking medicine moderately
And have a good night sleep

But I don't feel like I'm recovering
Except I'm getting more weak
Weeks by weeks that I don't feel like myself lately

Every capsules and liquids I tried
Yet I couldn't stop coughing
As if life wants to see me suffering

I've been laying in bed almost everyday
Nothing amazing had happened
Or is it just me being super lame and boring?

I always put on a smile
I act like I'm the happiest girl in the world
I act like I'm carefree
I "enjoy" my life more

I'm already tired
I just want to rest
But it keeps on haunting me
And it drives me insane

Now here I am
Laying in bed again
Telling myself that everything will be okay

BLOG OWNER ★

Hey~ I'm Balqis! I'm from Malaysia. I use writing poem and playing games as my ways of escape reality.

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Skin made by Iyra Monster
Background from Wanaseoby
Most help Afiqah Junizan
Software used PS CS5 & AI CS5