Hey, beautiful readers! How are you? I know it's been quite difficult for most of us during pandemic. I've seen a lot of things for the past months on the internet, which were quite concerning for me. Before that, I really want to get back to do blogging actively since I want to improve my writing and my emotions. Ever since I started writing poem with these dark feelings, people did send me kind words, especially my suicidal poem which peaks your interest. I really appreciate your kindness.
I do feel better even tho there were times my tears just suddenly appear before I fell asleep. Sometimes I forgot that I'm a human too. Not only that I forgot, but I really don't like to feel sad and cry. I know that I'm a sensitive person, my heart is soft enough for you to stab me with words. I always keep your words in my bottle (which we call it as pendam in Malay), and it's painful. People keep on telling me just forget about it and move on. I tried, but the pain keeps on bringing back the memory which I don't want to have as reminder. I'm really not good at expressing my emotion with words to be honest. It's complicated to express it out rather than using body language (or facial expression) like crying, angry eyebrow, clenching fist, etc.
How did I write poem if I'm struggling to express with words? Well, I try to understand myself deeper. I also portray myself in any scene with that feeling, that's how I got the idea of it. I even use my past as some scene in my poem. Feelings can be exaggerated with words, you know. We may experience the same feeling with other people, but not the same scenarios or the solutions. Sometimes we just need someone as our comfort pillow, where we sometimes think about our memories before sleeping. I mean, that's how I always teared up before sleeping.
I do realized, that these negative feelings are just a reminder for me to grow. Trying to keep optimistic 24/7 is difficult. I'm a human, so do you. We have feelings. Don't ever neglect any of your feelings. Don't ever lose hopes. If you can't love yourself, don't hate yourself. Your soul needs time and patience to tolerate every feelings.
For the past couple days, I try to prepare myself mentally since I'll start my degree in like 2 weeks. To be frank, I actually feel excited since it used to be my dream before college. Yes, I chose non-government university over local university, which is a taboo thing to do here. But for the sake of my future and to gain back motivation (with the help of my mom), I just go for it. I want to try new experience. I want to find the new me.
If you ever feel like in a void, I want to let you know that you will find your light. Don't ever give up on hopes and dreams.
Do not Spam.