Hey. It's been a while since I did a proper blog entry. I had a very rocky journey life for the past months (or years). This time, I just want to talk something that what has happened and something else on my mind. The writing maybe a bit all over the place cause it's the first time I ever type about on this blog.

So, here's the gist: Last year, I was really having a hard time understanding my emotions, especially when I had this distant feeling with someone I love and things happened. Not only that, I was really struggling to befriend with people. I wasn't happy. At that time, I felt empty. I kept that feeling of emptiness even at the start of 2020 when I was in my last semester of college. I wasn't feeling myself, I was really distant myself with people and even tried to reach help at the same time. I felt I was useless (I still do). I did tried to meet new people but it felt so weird and awkward.

I actually still feel grateful that I have good friends to talk but honestly, not everything you actually can tell to your friends. I know that most of their 1st impression of me was this arrogant girl who knows everything, but I'm not. It's not that I hate to be friendly, but I'm being a hermit since I was a kid that I don't know how to be friend. I can be a bit picky to choose friends, that's why I kinda "act" defensive(?). I did experienced culture shock, so it did take a while for me to feel comfortable with them. 

I had ambition. I had goals. I ended up throwing them into the void. I wasn't sure at that time. I was confused. I was having fear. I felt devastated. I lost myself. My mental state went down like I don't need to deal all these feelings. I really ignored it. It's not fun. I felt like I'm done. I was zoning out more frequently. I actually do have short-term memory loss. So whenever I zoned out, I tend to forget what I was doing at that moment. I had to ask my friend what I was doing, etc. I wasn't as responsive as I used to be. It's not that I've calm down. I was struggling to understand myself. I don't know who I am even to this day.

I was desperate to feel loved, to have mutual understanding, to have those genuine moments. I lost them last year and trying to cope everything with no mutual understanding? I couldn't understand myself either. I don't know why I always cry at night like my tears just streaming down my cheeks. Like the feelings just choked me up. I felt lonely.

It took like almost a year, I confronted him. I told him what has bothered me. I felt being loved again but that doesn't mean I found myself. I still haven't. It sucks. But I need to move along with the flows anyway. I'm trying to understand myself, relationship, friendship, family, everything. The only ways I can feel like I'm alive are playing games and make poem.

I distract myself with gaming since the pandemic started. I do play games with him whenever he's having an off day from work. He also lend me his games so I don't do something stupid again. It does help my emotions a lot 'cause the games that I play recently are actually good like The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, Pokemon Sword/Shield and obviously the most popular game that almost everyone have during pandemic is Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I may talk why I like the games but I'm not good at writing reviews. (sorry lol)

As you may know, I do write poem because it's my way of venting my emotions. I don't really write much recently cause I want to write poem as sincerely as I can and I feel a bit better than I was. I will still write poem in the future when the time comes. It's therapeutic for me.

How I started to make poem? At first, I didn't have a hobby and I'm not that creative. So I thought I would just write on my notebook at school. I was like 11 years old at that time. Just something joyful I guess. So I ended up typing it out here as a content but I wasn't consistent. Years by years, I was helpless. I thought writing poem is like a letter. So I just poured our my feelings into poem. I still remember I almost choked up. The pain is still there. People thought I was overreacting. I'm just an expressive person. It hurts cause people doesn't trust me. Even so, I do read all the comments and dms about my poem. I appreciate everyone. I really do and I want to thank you for being the reasons I'm still alive. I'm here.

Thank you.